selfish desires

i want my very own something to love and hug and cuddle and hang out with. i want something to love me unquestionably and always be there for me.
in short, i want a dog. i have been waiting years now, every since my dog died. i know there are some people who want love and rush out to have children, but i am waiting until the right time (for a dog). i need space (although there are many happy apartment dogs) and time and money but mostly i am waiting until i am stable. i am moving for the umpteenth time since i lived in florida and that is not good for a dog.
plus, i enjoy a slightly gypsy lifestyle now, and i would be even more encumbered by a dog.
i had a beta a few years back, but he often tried to commit suicide and he stayed behind several moves ago.
but someday, a dog. an older rescue dog. who i can tell everything to and who won't bark at everything and who will wrestle with me and will have a nice coat to pet (no yippers). someone to go on walks or swim or hike or whatever.
i had thought a golden or a basset hound, but maybe just a mutt. (or a basset retriever!)

i have already had the best dog, and he was great to talk to. he was my brother, my best friend, my child. got along with everyone and everything (he only tried to eat frogs, and spit those out) liked to swim and hike. and didn't try to hump me. plus he was beautiful. what more could you want in a companion?

i should try to find a picture to post.

oh, also, unlike a child - dogs only live to be 18 tops, and you can neuter them.

i love/hate science

i hate it like i hate othello and 1984.
i think that what i "think" i feel is really just a product of the chemicals bouncing around in my head. i'm only attracted to a man because his immunities are different than mine and we'll make good babies and he makes certain chemicals and hormones in my head and body go crazy. (or, if i am on the pill, it makes my body misread things)

i like to read these articles about love and our bodies and the chemicals and isn't oxytocin neat, but at the same time it depresses me because perhaps what i thought was love was really just science and biology.

can someone really love you or are they only acting a certain way in the hope of rewards (it makes them feel good, they want sex, they want something)
how can i reconcile being a halfway logical practical person with being an emotional hopeless romantic? can it be done?

sometimes i do things and i wonder if i do them selflessly, or do i have some other motive? of course i am not a great example, i'm not the best of people, but mine is the only brain i have to pick.

i would like to believe that love is not just science, but i am not sure.

so this was christmas

living in florida it is sometimes hard to feel "christmassy" when your in a tank top and getting bit by mosquitos. at least, thats what people say. i think the cold definately helps, but i've had christmasses before, and they must have been warm. of course, i'm used to colder weather and people who say this are used to colder weather so i'm sure people who live in this all the time have no problem.

i did not feel very christmassy this year, but i think it had more to do with another year going out with a fizzle and not decorating my home. and doing "christmassy" things. but, definately, cold would help. cold would be nice anyways.

the real question is, as a non-theist (i'm not really sure what that means, even after looking it up - i assume someone with no defined religeon or beliefs) what is "christmas" to me?

it definately includes decorations and alot of the music i like (just not played non-stop until i hate them) and christmas movies and all that but i think charles dickens describes it best - specifically in the muppets' version of a christmas carol.
its not the buying (although i do like giving gifts or sending cards) and of course to me it is not about the birth of the savior (i don't even know when obama was born! or sidhartha gautama or ghandi). Mostly, to me, christmas is a time for family togetherness. the warmth and love of being with each other and celebrating that.

like valentines day you might say "why not enjoy your family all the time?" well, i like a holiday and this encourages you to spend time with family and celebrate it.

plus, its just cool to put a fire hazard in your house and cover it with electric wires!

next year, less is more

recently when checking out the latest on inhabitat i read a neat article about buying nothing, or at least more practical, earth friendly gifts. there have been lots of ideas on inhabitat for buying things like buying a family a sheep through oxfam. the sheep helps the family become self reliant by producing wool that they can use to make clothes to sell to earn money to feed the sheep to make more wool to make more clothes... i've also read about buying trees and i've bought gift memberships to earth/animal friendly organizations before. and, i also like the website where you give the recipient a certificate to donate money to the charity of their choice (hopefully within reason, not nambla or whatever organization thinks the pill is murder.

so, i need to do more of that next year. walk the walk. i've done more e-cards this year although i was worried at first that people would like them less than physical cards, but i've heard from a few people that they like them. why not? they arrive quickly, don't create waste, don't cost (well, mine didn't). i sometimes feel a little guilty about not buying someone something for christmas but i think they will be happy if i at least get/send a card to show i care and am thinking about them. and personally, i would rather that than something i may have to give to the salvation army later.

-although, side note, i hear its a bad year for alot of organizations like salvation army and toys for tots and food banks, so please go through your house give what you can-

there is a rather angy discussion on inhabitat about why we need to shop and buy junk to save the economy, but i think my gas, grocery, phone and all other bills will have to do that. i don't think my, or anyone else's not buying "stuff" is what is ruining the economy.

beds and bedrooms

once again i've found incredibleness on notcot. for some strange unexplainable reason - although i'm sure it makes some kind of weird sense to a psychologist - i like being in small spaces. namely, i like little bedrooms and inclosed beds. like beds with curtains or little cabins with loft rooms or this awesome "bedroom" in a european guesthouse (scroll to the bottom to see the bed in the niche in the wall). i suppose if you were freudian this might be some sort of womb thing. maybe its because i'm short?
anyways, this bedroom is cool. i think only curtains could make it cooler.

the poo problem

of the many problems which overrun the country, one that i never gave much thought to was the poo problem. but, at the last public lands day, two of the ladies in my group were all about it. apparently, their business (i don't know if it makes money or if this is a free thing) is promoting or building dog waste disposal sites. i wasn't part of the conversation, i think it must have begun already when i started listening. anyhoo, through them i learned that dog waste is actually a big problem and beaches and rivers have been closed due to it. one of the other ladies i volunteered with said you can actually trace the waste in a lake or beach to know what kind of animal is causing it. what fun!
so, i am thinking of the loosely run neighborhood in which my dad lives - on a lake - and all the people out there who have dogs, but don't clean up after them. i found some neat information here about building a composter and here about how bad the problem is. i like the compost site because it says you can buy the starter stuff at somewhere like home depot.
in response to the "no one buries the animals poop in nature" statement; domestic animals are certainly (most of them anyways) not eating a natural diet (bacuns aren't natural??) and are not pooping in such a concentrated area.
so, if you know someone who's not picking up their poop - pass it on!

more green christmas

updated green christmas ideas. a company (or group) in the uk challenged people to wrap gifts in sustainable tape free ways. here. so, i've decided that i should also give up the tape. i've managed before. i like the use of rubber bands. scarfs and such are a cool idea - maybe my old single socks? ... maybe not.
also, i hope people don't mind ecards!
my other cheap favourite christmas idea is collecting the cut off branches from christmas trees from places that sell them. they make great wreaths or bouquets that smell good and last a long time

satan?

remember the church lady on saturday night live? it was actually dana carvey dressed up as a cute little church lady. i'd include a video, but i can't find the one i want. well, anyhoo, i'm thinking of the episode where she makes the point that santa is just satan rearanged.
what brought on thoughts of satan santa? well, recently when looking at some website i thought i read "satan" when actually it said "santa". hm, what does this mean? if your freudian i guess i am a grinch. i asked my boss to order "satan claus" signs for christmas, but she doesn't think she can get those.
while i'm on a anti-christmas rant, did i tell you about the atheist christmas cards? maybe i did. if i wasn't making cards or using ecards.com i'd get those.
actually, i'm not anti-christmas, its just fun to taunt it. and, anything for that matter.

brown paper packages tied up with string

this year - in an ever growing attempt to green my everything - i bought raffia ribbon at michaels to use instead of the usual plastic ribbon. last year i used hemp twine on some packages, and i've also reused ribbon - but what if the person i give a gift to doesn't reuse their ribbon? at least raffia is biodegradable and although the ribbon from micheals may not be completely ethically or organically grown, its got to be better than how plastic ribbon is made - plus, its a tree!

i've also given up wrapping paper. my new favorite way to wrap packages is with paper grocery sacks. if you turn them inside out they make great wrapping paper. plus, they are free and completely recyclable. i kind of like that simple earthy brown paper look. i've read that you could decorate plain wrapping paper with stamps or have kids do it (if your into kids). my old roommate decorated some plain wrapping paper by drawing on it. i really like the simple paper and ribbon look, but that would be fun too. resusable gift bags are nice, but you don't get to rip the paper, you don't know if the other person will reuse the bag, and then if you get one, you have to save it until you can regift it. another good thing about plain paper bags for wrapping paper is that its not too pretty. sometimes i feel bad for throwing away such pretty paper.


once i have something wrapped for christmas, i'll have to take a picture so you can see.

i think i will also do more donations for gifts next year. i read that through nrdc you can have a tree planted in a tree planted for someone in costa rica for $10. i know i could personally use less "stuff". i heard on public radio that you can get someone a gift certificate with which they go online and choose which organization they want the donation to go to.

i suppose i still like a little stuff, but i really enjoy memberships and donations. any coments? maybe thats why flowers and food are perfect - they are stuff, but they won't last and they are biodegradable so they won't take up space in my house or in a landfill!

paper! sustainable and convenient

occasionally (namely around christmas) i like to make my own holiday cards. the difficult thing is that convenient stores - michael's and jo-ann's - aren't very eco friendly. i pick up some stamps and raffia there, but i dislike buying paper from them because its not recycled. not at all.

so, i went to the evolve store - because they carry all sorts of earth friendly household stuff - to see if they carried recycled or alternative paper. they didn't but they directed me to xpedx

anyhoo, since they were so nice and i was quickly easily able to find just what i wanted i thought i'd pass the experience along. if your making cards or printing (anything really) christmas letters, i'd suggest stopping by - the location thing says they're all over. like in texas too.

(now where do i get greener stamp pads etc?) which is on colonial between the asian market and bumby right next to subway. there is a blue sign out front. they had all sorts of papers which i didn't look at because a guy who worked there took me to 100% RECYLED PRINTING PAPER AND CARDSTOCK! and linen paper and other stuff which i am sure is great. there were envelopes and such too. paper was sold in bold or by the sheet. good price and they were very nice and it was clean inside. AND they are fairly green for a paper company. its thoroughly discussed on their website. plus, they have forest stewardship council certified paper.

(ok, why is this going double spaced? why??)

leftover cranberry sauce

everybody (ok, only like, one person and la madeline's) is talking about turkey stuffing cranberry sauce sandwiches which of course my family can't have - maybe they can with tofurkey at christmas. but, we are not a stuffing family anyways. and, i do of course enjoy our meat free meal. its fun and tastes good.
*but* what to do with that leftover cranberry sauce? well! i found a neat suggestion online to stir it into yogurt and top with nuts! wow, that does sound good! especialy nice THICK yogurt like greek. the bad thing about traveling for the holidays is NO LEFTOVERS! (although there was year chris's family was nice and made us leftovers to-go) i got the idea here.
somebody try it for me and let me know. and now i'm thinking, cranberry sauce smoothies? in oatmeal? on ice cream? i don't know, leftover cranberry sauce has always bothered me.
speaking of la madeline's, its the reason i go back to texas, i had the best thanksgiving rissoto there i'll have to try to recreate...
oh, and what am i thankful for this year? Obama! (how about you?)

Aldi's review

So i've finally made it out to Aldi's - the possibly european based cheap grocery store that i've only seen in PA before (that my mother loves). I stopped in the store at aloma and forsyth today. I didn't grab a cart because i didn't need much - but if i did need one i would have needed a quarter because they are cool and european style in that the carts are all chained to gether and you put a quarter in and get it back when you return it (hopefully will stop walmart style carts all over the parking lot). it was very clean and well lit and the prices were really good and they had pretty much everything. I didn't get anything though becuase i am making meatloaf tonight and i wanted old fashioned oats and they only had quick - so i figured i'd best just get everything at publix. but, they had everything else.
the cool thing was that if you did not bring a bag, you have to pay for a fairly sturdy plastic bag (varying prices for different sizes i think - also very european). i saw several people leaving with their groceries in bags and i wonder - will they bring them back and reuse them? will they think twice because it cost them? i hope so.

all and all i think it was cool - but i don't think i'd want to go if i was shopping for something very specific. but if i was picking up random things like sides and pantry staples and random meat and frozen stuff it was good (nice cheap grape tomatoes too).

long live the queen

i find all sorts of cool things on notcot.org and recently the coolest thing i found was this video of the queen of jordan. sad to say i never thought of jordan much at all before (i mean, i think the fact that there is a place named jordan and that its near israel crossed my head, but thats all) but i never realized that it had a queen or that she was hot. so, due to the cleverness of the video it appeared on notcot and then i found it and now here we are. (disclaimer; i'm just saying she's very attractive, i'm secure in my femininity enough to say that. plus, smart clever women are attractive)

in other news i've read some varied articles on obama and such and i've come to realize - maybe you knew this already - that in order to succeed politicians need to be politicians. i mean, they have to be careful about saying this and not rubbing this person the wrong way or upsetting this faction. which i guess means that being the way we are makes it harder to get a really good president. because although things might be for the best s/he'd have to be careful about stepping on people's rights and being pc. i don't know if that makes any since, i'm tired and a little hungry and its been awhile since i read those articles. by the way, i'm pro dictatorship by melissa. so, there are my political views (my platform of no babies for anyone for 3 years or so seems to upset some people and i do not know why)

anyhoo what i'm trying to say is that people keep saying "he's such a politician" or "s/he lied/flipflopped" it seems to me that they all do that - especially the ones who succeed. they learn how to play the game and thats how they get far. except maybe a few oddballs like kucinich (a vegetarian president would be cool) and um, who was that constitution guy that a lot of younger people liked? r something...
let me know if any of that made any sense.

intimidated

for so long i've been a non-confrontationalist (similar i think to my dad and brother) but it has always bothered me. someone will say something rude or do something that is wrong and i don't respond and it simmers inside of me while i plot their doom. like including their car in my experiment to see if splenda equal and sweet and low have the same effects as sugar in a gas tank. but, i'm trying to speak up and out more lately.
but now the question arises, which is better? i suppose you could put a positive spin on not responding to insults etc and say i'm "turning the other cheek" or whatever. but what about people who litter? i'm building up the courage to speak up when people i know litter, but strangers? the guy at walgreens today who tossed his trash into a shopping cart when around the corner was a trash can?
my irrational fear is that if i do speak up i'll get yelled at or insulted or worse. i suppose if i am going to speak out more i need to not let people's responses get to me. of course, i shouldn't let what people say get to me at all, but i have a hard time with that - like when i get taunted at work (its hard being the lone tree hugging heathen).
also, if i guess i should be careful how i respond, or i could be percieved as a bully. like the whole christian debate - or the abortion debate. and perhaps its best to just be quiet and not let people know how you feel because maybe they won't like you so much if they know your a tree hugging pro choice liberal heathen. of course, if that turns them off why should i want to talk to them anyways.. i have conservative no-choice christian friends.
and, i like the debate - when its rational. if we can rationally debate evolution or abortion or gay rights thats cool - i like it.
and there is the delema of the internet. have some people not responded to my blog thing because they are busy, insulted, or haven't checked it?

chile relleno casserole

tonight i finally made the chile relleno casserole i found on for the love of cooking

here is the recipe with my changes:
3 eggs, 3 tbsp flour and 3 tbsp yogurt mixed together then add salt, pepper and a 3 oz can of sliced olives (not, like i did, chopped olives. i forgot that "chopped" olives means "minced to heck")
can of black beans rinsed
3 7oz cans of whole green chilies - or roast your own - my publix did not have 7oz cans so i used 4 4oz cans.
about 3/4 grated 8oz block of colby jack cheese
1 can enchilada sauce - publix only had red mild old el paso sauce
should have had chopped green onions for garnish

in a greased baking dish layer chilies (cut open, spread out), egg mixture, cheese, beans, and repeat until you've run out of ingredients. top with sauce and cheese and bake at 350 for 30 minutes.

the original recipe is at the link (its also much tidier)

the verdict? i think it was yummy. should possibly go with a side salad (as suggested) to make it last longer, but i've got some for lunch at work tomorrow, so thats all that matters. also, i spilled the salt a little, so a little over salted....
and maybe more beans or something else added? but, you wouldn't want to add too much or i guess it wouldn't be chili relleno.
it was easy and quick though! (other than those dumb new pop top cans, and grating the cheeese) so i'm happy about that.
easy and fairly quick to prepare and one dish and mexican

christians

I am told that perhaps my "yes we can" post may have sounded rude to some christians. i do not understand why. by saying the bible argument does not work with my i was simply trying to state that i am not a christian so that argument does not work. because, how could i believe something based on a book i believe is a work of fiction. and why not bring on the apocalypse if accepting people is a forerunner of it? my very amiable brother and father think it is incendiary.
i have several christian friends and family members (haven't heard from them since that post/e-mail so who knows how that friend thing is going) who i do not think know i am agnostic. i guess they assume i am like them. i tend to do the same. if i read a blog i assume the reader is a youngish white female until i read otherwise. and if i meet someone i assume they think as i do. i haven't brought up my absence of christian beliefs because it tends to be met with "no! your not" - this from a co-worker (something along those lines) and i think my grandmother ignores it when i mention it. i don't know what they think when they realize i'm not christian. what do they suddenly assume? other than that i am going to hell. plus, how do you bring it up?
if i meet someone and find out they are christian, i guess i generally apply my stereotypes to them. although of course there are many degrees and many types of christians. from the lady i work with who is very nice and accepting of people, to the vietnamese guy who is a decon or something but is not very accepting.
so, christians, if any read this, whats up? have i insulted you somehow? do you not like being called christians?

in other news, i've got to get my camera back or get a camera phone, so i can start taking pictures of dinner and writing about that. otherwise, its going to be all bitching.

i love this

mccain's concession

so, i have finally watched john McCain's concession speech
http://elections.nytimes.com/2008/results/president/speeches/mccain-concession-speech.html
it was good and i am glad that he hit the key points that everyone should be happy for - what it means for americans, and the fact that obama inspired so many people.
does john mccain really not know give palin any of the blame? or does he not realize how diry his campaign was? and, will his speech inspire some bitter angry republicans to move on and appreciate how monumental this is?
i am not as moved by mccain's speech, but it was a good speech and honorable.
if the tide was turned, and mccain somehow broke a barrier - ok, say palin was running... well, i think i woman will be president someday, so i think it is not as monumental as a black man winning. and, if more people voted than ever before for a palin/mccain campaign, could i still find that inspiring despite the fact that i hate palin so?
its not the same! obama is all that is good, palin is the dark side of the force.
in other news, looks like i'll be sleeping with ear plugs again tonight. thank you annoying damn neighbors. ear plugs are the best thing. i keep a pair on my nightstand. i wish i had known about them years ago. nights trying to fall asleep with a pillow over my head could have been easily solved with rubbery bits shoved in my ears. not the most comfortable thing - but they do the trick. - just be careful though, it feels weird if you scratch your head while wearing them, and freaky if you brush your teeth with them in.
damn, now i remember i meant to get mouthwash at target.....

Yes We Can!

for the first time i am really excited to be an american. that may sound bad to so many patriotic americans out there, but i question whether we are the best. it sounds too arrogant to me. whats wrong with an EU nation or canada?
but now, i am living in an exciting time in america. we have finally moved forward. we will have a black president. i was too young to appreciate the berlin wall and while the twin towers was momentous - is that something you want to live through (plus, i was in germany at the time). so, THIS is an amazing piece of hitory.
i wish now that i had paid more attention to the election, that i'd gone to the rally in orlando.
I don't think i really paid much attention to the clinton administration, but after 8 years there is a president who is more in line with my views. I suppose i am a late bloomer but at the tender age of nearly 30 i am getting slightly more interested in politics. - in so much as it affects me and the environment. honestly, i'm much more interested in plants and food and nature than i am in the government. just like chemistry.
so, what is all this rambling?
I'M JUST EXCITED!! so much hope lies in barack obama. president elect.
if you have not seen his victory speech please watch it (full screen)
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4572578n

the only thing that makes me sad now? that others do not share my joy at this great time (worse that some people heartily dislike, hate obama - why???????) and because gay rights are so far behind. why can't they be married? why can't they have children? there also is so much hate and false reasoning. i do not think marriage straight or otherwise was in the mind of our founding fathers - as is some people's logic - and the bible argument does not work with me. nor of course does the "its not natural" (i've heard some stories about the boy mini dolphin whatevers at aquatica! wooee! [let me tell you, dolphins are dirty perverts]). a guy at work told me that when gay people are accepted it would be a sign of the apocalypse or some such. (i wouldn't know, something god related) so, BRING IT ON!

just thought i'd share.
Barack Obama has made ME excited about government and america. that is amazing.

testing, one, two...

ok, so this will be my rambling spot.... maybe i'll just use this space to complain about my bastard loud neighbors.